We've all been there. Those days that we just want to throw in the towel but we have no choice but to bite the bullet. A mom emailed her private thoughts and feelings and I asked her permission to share it here. I have changed the names and didn't sign her name so she could protect her identity. The honest truth is we all feel this way at times and it is OKAY!
The child referred to here has ADHD/SPD/ anxiety and is completely gifted and brilliant. He has recently come off ALL medications. The new doctor wants to see the real 'him' to assess whether or not medication is needed and if so, what type. Mom says child has been on medications for almost 5 years straight and this is the first time he's been off completely for more than 2 days at a time. This is week 2 of no medication. I'm not telling you this because I am for or against medication. In my personal opinion that's every parent's right to make that decision for what is BEST for the child. I just wanted to give a little background to what is happening.The good news is, this mom is very dedicated (I know her very well) and this is a fleeting time, I know she and son (and her other children) will be just wonderful when the storm passes. Please read with empathy:
Okay - so, here's the gut-level truth - I am hating myself right now. Everytime I take Bubba off media, I can only handle him, mentally and physically, for about 20 minutes before I have to remove him out of my sight.
He is on the go like you wouldn't believe - well, you probably would. I despise it. There -that's the truth. I hate it. It grates me. It agitates me. Every sensor in my body is on high alert within minutes of being around him.
Yes, I've felt "peace" the past several days BECAUSE he spends HOURS on media. It's the only way I can cope.
I've tried so many "tricks" and I still cannot handle it.
I am SO angry with myself and my body. I can't even really cry. I'm in denial - telling myself it's all fine, I have peace, I'm doing great. We're managing. It's crap. All of it.
I feel like I'm about to snap every second. Yes, sometimes I manage to NOT snap, but only because I kick every one OUT of my presence and I go hide in the bedroom and or go on the computer. The only way I can handle his energy, his constant tics, motion, clucking, clicking, giggling, gaggling, talking, chattering, knee jerking, wiggling body is by leaving or having him play somethign or do something away from me.
I hate it. I hate myself for not being the mom I need to be. What mom can't stand being around her own child? He's brilliant, articulate, funny and I miss it all because he drives me bonkers and drives me up a wall. If I'm away from him and all his jiggles, I am fine. The moment we're together in a room, my body goes into high alert and I flee.
I have been praying about it, praying for peace, for revelation, for help. I don't know what I can do, because MY body was not created to handle HIS temperament and energy.
My skin starts to itch and crawl when I'm around him for more than 15 - 20 minutes because he gets me all agitated.
Okay - so I am "allowing" him get me agitated, according to experts. I am just supposed to "not let it bug me" because I'm the mature adult.
I am going insane, slowly but surely.
I am staying up later and later because I just want to run away, and obviously, I'm mom, so I can't.
My brain is shutting down, my emotions are SO on the edge.
God knows where I'm at, He knows how "much" I can handle, but I can only handle what He's given me by drugging it up with meds or media.
I am so upset.
Bubba's Mom
He is on the go like you wouldn't believe - well, you probably would. I despise it. There -that's the truth. I hate it. It grates me. It agitates me. Every sensor in my body is on high alert within minutes of being around him.
Yes, I've felt "peace" the past several days BECAUSE he spends HOURS on media. It's the only way I can cope.
I've tried so many "tricks" and I still cannot handle it.
I am SO angry with myself and my body. I can't even really cry. I'm in denial - telling myself it's all fine, I have peace, I'm doing great. We're managing. It's crap. All of it.
I feel like I'm about to snap every second. Yes, sometimes I manage to NOT snap, but only because I kick every one OUT of my presence and I go hide in the bedroom and or go on the computer. The only way I can handle his energy, his constant tics, motion, clucking, clicking, giggling, gaggling, talking, chattering, knee jerking, wiggling body is by leaving or having him play somethign or do something away from me.
I hate it. I hate myself for not being the mom I need to be. What mom can't stand being around her own child? He's brilliant, articulate, funny and I miss it all because he drives me bonkers and drives me up a wall. If I'm away from him and all his jiggles, I am fine. The moment we're together in a room, my body goes into high alert and I flee.
I have been praying about it, praying for peace, for revelation, for help. I don't know what I can do, because MY body was not created to handle HIS temperament and energy.
My skin starts to itch and crawl when I'm around him for more than 15 - 20 minutes because he gets me all agitated.
Okay - so I am "allowing" him get me agitated, according to experts. I am just supposed to "not let it bug me" because I'm the mature adult.
I am going insane, slowly but surely.
I am staying up later and later because I just want to run away, and obviously, I'm mom, so I can't.
My brain is shutting down, my emotions are SO on the edge.
God knows where I'm at, He knows how "much" I can handle, but I can only handle what He's given me by drugging it up with meds or media.
I am so upset.
Bubba's Mom
1 comments:
I've been there, having to take my son off his meds, only to prove to the school that he was disabled so he could get the help he was eligible for.
I would like to make a suggestion...respite care. Think about seeing if some family member or friend will take your son somewhere or let you go for a walk to help you get centered. Once, I invited a friend to my home who needed some "me" time from her autistic son. I made her a bubble bath with candles and music. I shut her in the bathroom and told her 3 children I was "mom" for the next 30 minutes. Their mom was able to have that time to recharge and take care of her children! That is what you need right now. Maybe once a day until this period is over. You can do it! I have faith in you. You are mom and you can do what you need to do for your son. If you need someone to talk to, email me. I'll be there for you.
Edwina Moody
Familytreeclimber@Yahoo.com
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